The Dirty Thoughts Collection
by MissPoisonedAddiction1
Summary: Where Jacob is a brick-house and Edward is gone. Bella and Emily are two very attractive women doing very attractive-womanly things. And putting thoughts that should not be thought at all into some heads. Rated M. Anything goes.
1. Under Pressure

_[A/N; *Hysterical Giggle* I will admit this was inspired by me moving some funiture around with a friend. Some of the stuff we said basically set this fic up.] _

**Under Pressure**

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><p>"Is it there yet?"<p>

"No, a little more—I need to put it in deeper. Oh, it's gone soft; it almost feels wet..."

"It shouldn't do that."

"I know. Too much heat."

The sound of fingers slipping against something then...

"Damn."

"What happened?"

"It went too far."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, just... it's a tight."

The sound of a whimper and then someone exhaling deeply.

"Take it all out—just pull it."

"Alright... Is that good?"

"That's perfect. Now do it again, this time a little to the right... Yeah, I can feel it."

The sound of bare-feet sliding a little, denim brushing against flesh.

"Oh. I almost got it. Give me more."

"More?"

"Is there any?"

"Bella, you've got it all."

Silence.

Then a moan of frustration.

"We're gonna have to do it all over again."

"Can I give it a try?"

"Sure, I got to warn you though, it gets hot and it's a tight fit—

The front door slammed open, the pack having heard all of the conversation and bolting in when it finally became too much. Sam and Jacob, as they had the bloodline traits of Alpha's were the first ones inside.

What they saw both struck them with relief and fear.

Emily was holding a long black cord from the DVD player, passing it through the TV's cabinet, trying to avoid the shiny new plasma.

Bella, being small and thin enough, stood behind the entire thing, and poked her head around the side, waving shyly.

They had obviously been trying to set up Sam's birthday present.

It was completely and utterly silent.

Then, Jacob and Sam looked at each other while the pack howled with laughter.

"BEST. DAY. EVER!"

"I bet Sam thought he was gonna get a threesome!"

Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, Paul spluttered.

"Bella, you've got it all?" he parroted, and that started up the fits again.

Jacob slammed the door in their faces and turned to Bella, raising an eyebrow.

Sam caressed Emily lovingly, kissing her forehead.

"Babe," he said to her when she came out from behind the entire thing to stand beside him.

"I honestly thought something was happening..."

"You're such a pervert, Jacob Black."

"Only with you."

"So," Sam said quietly after what seemed like an awkward silence.

"Nothing happened?"

Was that a hopeful note in his voice?

"Nothing," the girls chorused. Bella, catching eyes with Emily, blushed and the older woman only gave a wink back in return.

Who said swapping recipes, while the boys were in a pack meeting, was completely innocent?

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><p><em>[*winkwinknudgenudge* SO! What did you think? Do tell.]<em>


	2. The Touch

_[A/N; Just thought I'd leave this here...]_

**The Touch**

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><p>"It feels... hard. And flexible."<p>

The voices coming from the kitchen could easily be described as females talking. But who, he couldn't place.

There was the sound of an inhale, then a small gasp.

"Is it meant to do that?"

"Yes. It's got rechargeable batteries—a plug in, which is handy—and you can set it on cold or hot."

"Oh my..."

The sound of buzzing.

Jacob Black felt his eyebrows pull together. Was that his girl and Emily? It couldn't be Leah; she was running patrol.

"Can I try it out...?"

"Yeah, sure. Here, allow me. Lay down—just like that. Alright, and put your legs and arms—yeah. Like that."

Bella made another sound.

"Oh. Wow. That... that feels good."

The buzzing became a little more quiet, almost muffled.

Bella moaned—Jacob knew that sound anywhere—and the sound of clothing shifting over flesh had him up in two kinds of ways.

"It gets better."

Then, the sound of a gasp and a whimper.

"Oh, that hurts a little."

"It will, at first. Is it warm?"

"Mmm, yeah..."

"Good. Normally I let it heat up on the bathroom counter when Sam's too tired to do it and just use it."

"It feels... amazing."

"Better than Jacob?"

"No. Well—Oh. Maybe."

"It feels a little hard to push—

"Using some moisturiser makes it easier, if that's what you like. I got some in my bag."

Alright, no way in all hell was Jacob going to miss this—his girl getting her freak on the kitchen counter with Emily? Too good to pass up. He crept up the hall, held his breath and stepped over the creak in the floor board closest to the wall.

The sound of a bottle cap coming off, then the squirt of something; it smelled like vanilla.

"Wait, is it good for... that?" his girl seemed to struggle with coherent sentences.

"Yes, and it doesn't stick or anything, so you're safe. Plus it smells good."

Then the buzzing sound, only more muffled and wet.

He made it two steps from the kitchen, hidden in the shadows just as Bella moaned, long and loud.

"Oh... Harder. Right there..."

He was so close.

"Oh! I felt that!" Emily said, clucking her tongue and Bella chuckled.

Imagine his surprise when he gets there, and his girl has her shirt bunched up to her shoulders, laying on her stomach on the counter, with a four-legged massager in Emily's hands, rubbing both the moisturiser and little buzzing machine over her spine.

Jacob takes a cold shower and curses the people in Japan who make this shit.

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><p><em>[Whatcha think? Please tell me. I'd kill Edward to know.]<em>


	3. Sticky And Unhappy

_[A/N; Oh, look at that... an unsatisfied Bella? HintHint—Embry/Bella/Seth future sort fic]_

**Sticky and Unhappy**

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><p>"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a voice warned from the doorway. Bella looked up, frowned, the sticky stuff on her cheek and caking—she had her finger half way to her lips, the same sticky stuff on the pad and glistening—and blushed at having been caught out.<p>

She was still hot (having a wolf in the room would do that) and beyond angry that Embry just up and left so suddenly after the mess was made.

Balancing precariously, she pointed a finger at Seth.

"You shouldn't be here. In fact, seeing me like this, Jacob will not only use you for a chew toy but pretty much toss you to the others for not helping."

"I refuse to touch it, Bella. Sorry but I like my face the way it is and your wolf boy would eat me alive anyway just for standing here. Besides, Embry was grinning ear to ear and I had to see for myself."

She snorted, made a face when her face bunched up and the now-cold sticky substance pulled at the skin of her cheek.

"Can you at least get me a warm cloth or something, then? I'm kind of stuck like this until he comes back," she gestured to her spot in the middle of the room.

"He might not come back," Seth leaned against the door frame, smirking Paul's smirk and she wanted to slap it right off his adorable face. She finally heard what he said and groaned.

"Seriously?"

A nod and she groaned again, wiped the sticky stuff on the flesh of her hip.

"Please?"

She went all out, making her doe eyes wide and pouted.

Seth sighed and came to her side so fast her neck cracked from watching.

"Where do you want me?"

"If you could just get under me that'd be great... and put your leg right th—yes, perfect,"

Pressing her tongue to the corner of her mouth she took a deep breath and then gestured he move—he arched his back and she gave a small gasp at the push and lift.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Embry just... he took it slow."

"Well you are pretty clumsy Bella. What's Jake gonna think when he comes home and finds us," he gestured as she looked to where they connected "like this?"

"He can think what he wants. I wanted this room painted before Renee came over and look at the state of me."

Balancing—which, in itself, was a miracle— and feet planted firmly along his back, Bella chuckled and picked up the paintbrush, swiping a blob across the wall where she'd missed a patch. On all fours, Seth supported her, laughing softly to himself as he realised three things.

One, Bella was a mess.

Two, she'd missed plenty of spots.

Three, Jake was going to kill him for holding her up like this.

It was both Embry and Bella's fault for trusting the old not-so-reliable ladder and in the end, the paint tin, brush and rollers went bottoms up and she thanked her lucky stars she'd laid down the tarp. Embry was off to replace ol' faithful and all she had now was Seth.

(Renee, after arriving, commented that the canary yellow would have looked better than the lavender while Phil shook his head and muttered something about "women")

_[Oh how I love making a mess. And the smell of paint.] _


End file.
